Monday, May 30, 2016

Note to self:

We are inextricably entwined in the electricity of the etheric web of life, but how did Walt Whitman know about this body electric?  Didn’t scientists discover this after his passing? As a part of the spectacular family, why have relationships been so bloody difficult?  Oh, right, we arrive on the earth plane to experience and understand restriction.   What better way than in a relationship.
       Dealing with other humans, especially when sexuality clouds the issue, has always been my greatest trial.  I am no good at the make them wait for the milk game either. Is it truly all about the hunt for men?  I used to wonder: what if I marry some poor slob who is an absolutely failure as a lover? How would I know what I was missing if I never tasted the wine?   We try on clothes don’t we?  None of this ever made any sense to me.  The idea of being intimately welded to someone who did not fulfill my needs or, worse yet, who made my skin crawl, gave me the shivers.  
        I was in need of fire.
       I came of age in the time of random sex-- the 60s and 70s.  I admit I tested the waters.  Nevertheless, I was not in the mood for random sex.  Entwining my subtle energy in the act of physicality surely was meant as a bond between souls, wasn't it?   Pure lust was another ball of wax.         
     Well, at the moment, I was married to Lenny, but not in the biblical sense.  
  In desperation, I asked him “Should I have relationships with women; maybe I am really gay?”  “No, dear. You like men way too much”   He had replied reassuringly.  We used to admire young men together.  Once when I was musing about lesbian relationships to Tom, he said “they seem fraught with the same control issues, the same misunderstandings.”  
       Ok, for the moment, I ditched that curiosity. Maybe, I was just not relationship material.  Was I somehow so wounded I could not keep it together?  Was I too uncontrollable and volatile?   If you worked on a relationship long enough, was there a pay off at the end of all the struggles? I couldn’t seem to make it past the two year mark.   Still searching for the white dress?  Wasn’t a career enough? The problem was –what career?  
      I wondered what was beyond the 2 year mark of the relationship power struggles. Joy seemed an improbable ideal. If I managed to somehow live to the ripe old age of say 150, maybe I could find out.  I have known couples whose relationships seemed happy and even sounded joyous. I don’t know if it’s an intrinsic human need or just programming ---but women of my generation did seem compelled to attempt to snare the white dress on a quite regular basis, regardless of the consequences.  I once saw Tammy Wynette on the Johnny Carson Show and she said “I felt compelled to marry everyone I dated.” 
     Men, it seemed, did not feel this way. Even though they were attracted to your fire, most men I have met still wanted a woman that was a reflection of what they were-- without too much of a mind of her own. This conclusion might have been a gross oversimplification, but it seemed true of the ones I attracted. Note to self: work on your attraction paradigm.
© 5/30/2016

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